this isn't a feel good entry.

Work today was pretty average. I was by myself a majority of the day, which I complain about but I think it actually makes the day go by faster.

I was in the middle of standing around doing nothing when this lady comes in to my department. She was a little taller than me, probably in her early 50s, slender, had beautiful blond hair that was up in a messy bun, really soft blue eyes, & she reeked of vodka.

Not really knowing what to expect from her I asked, "How are you today?". I mean what if she was an angry drunk! I was literally on pins & needles waiting for her answer because it would dictate how I would treat her from that moment on.

Luckily she responded with an overly happy "Oh girl, I am just fine! How are you? Do you have any red shoes? I need red shoes."

I laugh & say something stupid like "I'm sure we can find you some!". After that I go into work mode, trying to find her red shoes. I offer to order her some, to check other stores, etc. Meanwhile, she's talking, probably to me since I'm the only one within a 15ft radius of her, of course I'm half listening half not, because she's drunk. What could she possibly have to say that would benefit me, right? Eventually, we find her some shoes, not red ones unfortunately, but some cool Keds & gladiator sandals.

We're standing at the register, I'm scanning her shoes, when I hear her saying something about the toddler shoes on the wall. I can't remember exactly what she said but it was something along the lines of "I never had anyone... ya know.... no one that small. I wish I had." Then she pauses, sighs, looks up at me & she asks "God has a reason for everything, right?"

I choke. My mind goes blank. I mean, all I had to say was yes or I believe so. But I only manage to stutter something incoherent & nod. What is my problem? I do, in fact, believe God has a reason for everything. Why was it so hard for me to convey that to her? Was I just caught off guard? Or was it something much worse? Did I think I was better than her? That because she was wasted she had nothing to offer me & didn't deserve my attention? Honestly, yes.

And the Hypocrite of the Year Award goes to me, ladies & gentlemen. No, please, save your applause until the end of the ceremony.

I was this lady at one time & it wasn't that long ago either. Instead of sitting on my undeserved high horse, I should've been listening to her. You could tell she was craving human interaction of any kind & I wrote her off as not being worthy of my time, as though my time is worth something. Who am I to do that to someone? I'm no one.

After she left, I felt empty, like I had failed her. I couldn't & can't stop thinking about what I should have done or said. I feel like a horrible person & example of Christ.

I've been feeling 3ft tall this month

I dreamt about Blake last night.

Honestly just typing this is putting a knot in my stomach & tears in my eyes. I miss him so much, so much that I can't even comprehend how people can lose a father or a mother or someone much closer to them & still be able to breathe, much less go on living.

I just wish I were stronger or could accept the fact that he's gone.
I wish I didn't dream about him because every time I do, I wake up & it's like he's died all over again.

I'm self-conscious about writing when I know people are going to read it. I'm always afraid I won't seem smart enough or cool enough or that people will judge me a little bit. Weird, I know haha. Hopefully everyone reading this is my friend & won't be too surprised or enraged by anything I say. I really doubt I'll ever post something extremely thought provoking or controversial, I'll leave that to my xanga where no one can read it.

Ps. I love my dog, Dufus. He makes my heart happy.